Under Construction
This piece is a work in progress, and some parts may not be fully fleshed out or filled in. Feel free to read what we have down and keep tabs on it to see our writing process!
Laying awake at four in the morning, I often find myself wishing I was normal.
I find myself begging my brain, the gods, the universe, anyone that will listen to just give me the strength I need to become “normal”. I find myself wishing I could stick to a “normal” sleep schedule, wishing that I didn’t cry more than a “normal” person, wishing that I could do all the things that “normal” people do.
I’ve always struggled with the idea that I’m different in some way. Not in the fun way- the way that makes you feel special- but in the way that makes you feel wrong, uncanny, isolated, unwanted. Growing up with undiagnosed autism, I was bullied more than my fair share (which should be none, by the way) for reasons I didn’t and still don’t fully understand. Realizing later that I was queer, trans, and plural only added to that feeling: how could I fit into a world that, by majority, was so different from me?
And then I became disabled due to a viral infection that wrecked my body’s handling of “normal” things. For the longest time, I couldn’t believe that I was actually disabled- I thought to myself, “Well, surely this is temporary, right?” I told myself that I was just being lazy and whiny. I berated myself whenever I slammed into the brick wall that was my limits, and fiercely tried to claw that wall down.
Now, years later, I’ve realized that I was only hurting myself by clinging desperately to that idea of normalcy; especially when it comes to my specific disabilities. I’m still coming to terms with what I need and what works for me, but I feel that this time spent in denial has taught me important lessons about what being disabled really looks like- along with how to reconcile that with myself.
Normalcy is a myth and a tool
(section discussing the idea of being normal and how everyone has different experiences and perspectives; being normal is pushed by society but rarely do people really know what it means; it’s an arbitrary and nebulous idea, but you can use that to your advantage to create your own sense of being normal; building an idea if what’s normal to you can help you accept yourself and your situation)
Healing is weird, and that’s normal too
(section about finding what works for you and your needs; encouraging readers to find things they like and will help them even if it isn’t the standard idea of “normal”; discussing how healing is messy and it’s not about what society says you should do, it’s about what helps you to feel safe, comfy, and happy; creating a sense of normalcy that fits you)
Constructing your new normal
(section discussing lifestyle and routine changes that might be necessary; encouraging readers to remove or add things to their daily life that they may need or even want to do; understanding that having low energy [eg. for CFS] means pacing and understanding that pushing yourself will make things worse; adding onto your sense of normalcy)
Living in your unique normalcy
(closing section reaffirming that normalcy is a natural desire but what’s normal can change; encouraging readers to see themselves as normal and to find ways to build a sense of normalcy that helps them)